Then one may be that, and three would be those.
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose.
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren.
But though we say mother we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him.
But imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger.
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.
We take English for granted, but if we explore it's paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig!

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing.
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham.
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eat vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

to be continued

(1st published in the September 2009 edition of the Bishop Burton Newsletter) 

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